Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Only When You're Gone: It's a Girl!

I knew this day was coming. I have waited for a while now...

It shall live in the halls of my mind, forever. A story to be told and retold at family events. Hell, this one is being saved for the wedding file. I will always remember March 1, 2011 as:

The day our daughter ate an entire box of Girl Scout Cookies.

I was putting the baby down for a nap, and to do that, I need to lie down with him for a while. I might have dozed off. Maybe.

While that was happening, our daughter was keeping herself entertained by making beds for her stuffed animals all over the front room floor. Then she got bored. I imagine she went looking for something to eat (as she does when she gets bored) and discovered my poorly-hidden stash of Thin Mints in the freezer. She must have helped herself to one of the boxes. I put this together based on the evidence trail left behind.

What tipped me off?

She came upstairs to the bedroom and was acting sort of...odd. 20 minutes before, she'd been happily playing on her own. Now she was acting like this:

I knew something was amiss. Her mouth was ringed in some sort of dark brown substance.

"What have you been eating?" As she said "Nothing" (of course) her breath washed over me. I smelled guilt, debauchery, and Girl Scouts.
"Did you eat Mommy's cookies? Those have corn in them!"
"No! I ate a mini chocolate cake, corn-free, I found in the freezer."
"No, you didn't. There are no mini chocolate corn-free cakes in the freezer."
"Yes! I did find it! It was a dessert cake...."
"What did you say?"
"I ate the Girl Scout cookies."
"How many?"
"Just three! I swear! I PROMISE that's the truth..."

So I put her in her room, and went downstairs to discover an empty green box. No cookies. Nothing. I had to search a while to discover where the individual cookie-stack wrappers had gone, just to be sure she hadn't eaten those, too.

You see, Maia has a corn allergy. When she eats corn she turns into a creature than can only be described as the most unfortunate offspring between Gollum and Linda Blair. With a crack addiction. The only thing that can be done (besides a healthy dose of the pink stuff) is to wait the reaction out.

She's still in her room. Even after the Benadryl, she is on a corn-high/sugar-high that has to be seen to be believed. It's the safest place, for now. I just wish I had a hidden camera in there! Currently, she's running laps around her room, singing "Somewhere over the Rainbow" at lightning speed.

She's a girl. We females have no control over the little bitches in green. Those evil little cookies...it was only a matter of time.
Somehow, though, I always imagined she'd do it when she got her first period. You know? A rite of passage. Menarche and a box of thin mints. They go together like...what would be the male equivalent? A Maxim and a sock?

-Your loving spouse.


  1. Giggled out loud as i read this. Much love.

  2. So hilarious! Love it. (I also have a corn allergy with corn-high reactions. I totally can relate.)

  3. As a parent of a child with a corn allergy, I am cracking up. Thanks for sharing!

  4. I am CRACKING UP! My daughter and I both have corn allergy (amongst other things) and we turn into other people when we eat corn. This just made my day.

  5. Ahh, for the days when the corn high came substantially before any other negative effects....

  6. Reading all these comments made MY day! Thanks, all!

  7. "unfortunate offspring between Gollum and Linda Blair. With a crack addiction."

    OMG, I nearly peed myself I was laughing so hard, while at the same time pointing at the computer screen and shouting 'Yes!'

    My son's evil button is dairy, which he got for the first time just before he was two. I remember watching him turn into some demonic creature that wouldn't have been out of place on a Buffy episode and thinking, 'OMG, THIS is the terrible twos? I'll never survive!'

    Nice to know that the evil-spastic-doom is all in the food, and not usually in the child. So we can laugh about...much, much later, after a lot of deep breathing, LOL.

  8. Yes, exactly, Shauna! I remember thinking to myself: "Is this what having children is supposed to be like? Why don't they sell strait-jackets in fun, colorful prints, then?" Then we discovered the allergy, and life got so, so much better. Most of the time!
    Deep breathing is very, very important. We do a lot of that around here!