Only When You're Gone: Vomtastic

The baby threw up in the car seat on the way to school this morning. I shoved the four year old into the schoolhouse, and spent the next 45 minutes cleaning out the car with baby wipes in the BiMart parking lot. I think I've discovered the polar opposite of lying on the beach in Hawaii. But It could be worse, I could have gotten into a car accident! Oh, wait, that was Monday.

Only When You're Gone: Bathroom Chemistry

The 4 year old snuck the bottle of food-grade sanitizer from your home brewing kit (thanks, by the way for leaving it out) and poured it into her play cups with toothpaste, hand soap, and water (Luckily the NyQuil she also pilfered is child-proofed). The PB&J and yogurt I was cleaning off the dog while this happened was discovered to be a red-herring mess; Keeping Mom busy while getting into the real stuff. Like 50% phosphoric acid, 15% Dodecylbenzene Sulfonic Acid, and 10% Isopropyl Alcohol.
She mixed all the components of her "really cool experiment" together with the 18 month-old's toothbrush, then handed it to him. Luckily, he did not drink it.
Poison control finds our family hilarious, by the way.

Only When You're Gone: Marching Band Conflagration

We drove home, with a friend (who is without kids) in the car. The 4 year old sees a smoking car and emergency road crews attending, and I explain that the car is on fire. She says: "Oh, I know why! There was a marching band shooting fire balls at the car. One landed on it and it caught on fire. They also shoot fire balls up in the air, but when they land on you, they don't burn your hair." Cue awkward silence from friend. Thanks, kid.
On a side note, that is some marching band!

Only When You're Gone: Petit Four Theft

The 4 year old snuck out the side gate while in the backyard, and stole a cookie from the neighbors' house. Then she gave our shocked neighbor big hug, said: "I LOVE You!" and that's when I (frantic) found her. Please come home!

Only When You're Gone: Peter, Peter, Pectin Eater

The 4 year old has been trying to sneak around behind my back all day. First she tried to sneak the honey. When she got caught, red-handed, she simpered: "I LOVE you Mommy!" Next, I caught her with a box of liquid fruit pectin. When I asked her what she planned on doing with it she adopted an expression that was a mix between doe-eyed and deer-in-headlights, and said: "I was just looking at the picture! TRUST Me!" Yeah, right!

Only When You're Gone: Vagina Papayas

We live on a quiet street, and occasionally the local police like to park on our street to do paperwork. It just so happens that, on this occasion, my daughter (4) decides to climb to the top of the play structure and shout: "Vagina papayas for sale!" I can only imagine what that officer thinks we're teaching our children.

Only When You're Gone: Crappy Morning

I woke up to discover Amelia Earhart (our dog) had diarrhea last night. With my foot. Good morning!