Thursday, November 10, 2011

Exhaustion Follies

There are long nights when you're away. Not only do I have trouble sleeping because the ice-maker in the freezer is suddenly Norman Bates stumbling on the stairs, but also because the children get diseases more easily when you're away.

It's scientifically proven (somewhere, I'm sure) that children of traveling fathers vomit thrice as often, and only develop seasonal allergies that include "post-nasal drip," which is a gross official term for hacking up a lung all through the night for weeks on end.

Super fun!

But I'm not complaining; I've dealt with worse and I will again. No, I'm writing to tell you about all the stupid things exhaustion makes me do, so you can laugh after a long day on the water:

1) Pulled a bowl out of the cabinet in the morning. Attempted to pour myself a bowl of coffee.

2) Answered the door to the sound of a doorbell on the radio. When the program I was actively listening to was referring to the sound of a doorbell.

3) Put my pants on backward. And went as far as the store.

4) Got back to the store (after turning my pants around), and got to the register before realizing I'd left my purse at home.

5) Went home to get purse. Forgot about stuff waiting at store until the next day.

6) Returned non-library books to the library.

7) Found my cell phone in the dog food. I was the last one to feed the dog.

8) Forgot what I was doing, mid-dishwasher unload. I started adding dirty dishes to the clean ones. I didn't realize I was supposed to be unloading the dishwasher until it was running again.

9) Searched the rabbit hutch for chicken eggs. Did you know we had a Cadbury bunny?

10) Tried to take the kids to preschool with a towel on my head. Was confused when getting into the car was trickier than usual.

Enjoy, Captain!

-The Sea Captain's Wife

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Stuff You're Missing: Momedy Gold

The kids say weird stuff all the time. When you're gone, it seems like they come out with the choicest tidbits. I call them Momedy, because they're really only funny to me. And maybe other people that know (and like) my kids.

River (on why he just couldn't eat the mushrooms on his plate at dinner): "No! They have tiny legs. Hundreds and hundreds. I just can't eat the tiny legs, Mom."

Maia: "Mom! Wow! Look at this. They did a great job on the pictures in this book. I like the way they drawed the moon with the cow jumping over it. You really can tell what the story is about."

River: "Maia! Come here! It is story time, and I want stories. Quit messing around and come to bed, Maia!"

Maia (to River): "It's time to play a game. I will trap you in here so you can't escape, and then I'm going to go downstairs."

River: "Fish aren't meat! They swim underwater! They're veggies!"

There are more, I'm sure, but the thing about these funny lines is that they come at inopportune moments to dash to the computer and record them. Pens get pilfered for wall-drawing, and paper gets wet at bath time.

See you when you get back, Captain!

-The Sea Captain's Wife

Friday, September 16, 2011

Part-time Single Parenting: The Beatitudes

Blessed are the ones who nap when the children are napping; For they shall have the energy to see the bottom of the laundry stack.

Blessed are the babysitters who come on short notice, and stay extra hours; They shall inherit the big bucks.

Blessed are the babysitters who deal with potty-training toddlers in swimsuits; They too, shall inherit the big bucks, if also smelly hands.

Blessed are the siblings who fight not when mommy is tired; They shall be rewarded with chocolate after dinner.

Blessed is he who returns early from the field and cleans the house; He shall obtain mercy from his exhausted wife.

Blessed also is the husband who sends flowers and housekeepers while out in the field; He will obtain the hot sex from his grateful wife upon his return.

Woe is the friend who brags about her helpful spouse/nanny/friends; Hers is the quiet phone.

Woe is the husband who forgets to call; His is the lonely couch.

Woe is the babysitter who quits without notice; Hers is the bad reference.

Woe unto you who passes judgement upon the parenting of the single mom; Yours is the world of pain and regret, when it is your head she bites off.


Tuesday, April 5, 2011

DIY Haircut

Today, the moment I've feared ever since Maia's hair FINALLY started to grow arrived.

She cut her own hair.

She didn't grow a strand until she was three, and it's only now coming in fully, at four. And now...

I admit I've been distracted lately. Lesson learned!

-Your loving spouse

Saturday, April 2, 2011

The Vomitorium: Redux

Maia is unwell.

I should know by know to put the kids down with towels as blankets and bowls for pillows when you leave!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Only When You're Gone: With a Little Help From My Friends

Today dawned miserably. I was on edge from the moment I opened my eyes. I had spent all day the previous day switching between loads of foul laundry(including your special surprise, honey), to disinfecting the house in a desperate attempt to avoid a nasty stomach bug, to yelling at Maia for doing crazy things, to...I can't even remember, honestly. I fell into bed that night exhausted to the bone. Half-hoping zombies would attack and eat my brain during the night. It was dire.
This guy. 

So when I woke up and found my brains (and therefore responsibilities) intact, I was less than optimistic.

I got to our weekly, co-op homeschooling group an hour late, but ready for the recycled material toy building project we'd been looking forward to for a month. Maia and I had been meticulously selecting, washing, and saving recyclables that looked promising. We had three big bags of them. I'd been tripping over them in the mudroom for the better part of a month, and the day had finally arrived!

My poor friend suffered my poorly contained wrath when she politely suggested there were already plenty of materials for the craft. I think I said something like: "If we don't use my recyclables, I will cut a bitch." If you know me... that's not my typical...repertoire...

Anyhow, suffice it to say I was on edge. Really. I was shifty-eyed and weird, this morning.

On top of that- I made the decision to give up my office space, after being outbid by my former family therapist. Ugggh!

And then my friend (who I had unkindly threatened to cut if she didn't take my garbage) offered to watch my kids so I could run some errands. Yes, yes, YES! What?! Yes!

And she did. And I ran errands. I finally mailed off some Christmas presents. (You're welcome, everyone! Happy Marchmas!) I went to Michael's and bought the picture frames I'd been dying for. At 40% off! The sun was shining (in my mind. Outside it was drizzling a little). All was right with the world.

Nothing like a little retail therapy!

After briefly considering escaping with my passport and some cash to Hawaii[EDIT: I know Hawaii is in the US. Japan isn't though, nor is Fiji. Jumping-off point, people!] I returned to collect my children; And found them delightedly well-cared-for. And THEN my friend invited me to stay for dinner. To eat German food!

Let me recap: My friend gets blasted by me, then I accidentally insulted her by mistaking her age, and then she offers to babysit both my children so I can get some peace and sanity. Then she cooks me dinner. And not just any dinner, either. I was raised on German food. It is my version of soul food.

Suffice it to say this woman single-handedly turned my day from dust to diamonds with stunning alacrity.

I am so unbelievably honored to have such a skillful, amazing, gorgeous, and loving friend!

The bar has been set, honey. See you when you get back!

-Your Loving Spouse

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Only When You're Gone: It's a Girl!

I knew this day was coming. I have waited for a while now...

It shall live in the halls of my mind, forever. A story to be told and retold at family events. Hell, this one is being saved for the wedding file. I will always remember March 1, 2011 as:

The day our daughter ate an entire box of Girl Scout Cookies.

I was putting the baby down for a nap, and to do that, I need to lie down with him for a while. I might have dozed off. Maybe.

While that was happening, our daughter was keeping herself entertained by making beds for her stuffed animals all over the front room floor. Then she got bored. I imagine she went looking for something to eat (as she does when she gets bored) and discovered my poorly-hidden stash of Thin Mints in the freezer. She must have helped herself to one of the boxes. I put this together based on the evidence trail left behind.

What tipped me off?

She came upstairs to the bedroom and was acting sort of...odd. 20 minutes before, she'd been happily playing on her own. Now she was acting like this:

I knew something was amiss. Her mouth was ringed in some sort of dark brown substance.

"What have you been eating?" As she said "Nothing" (of course) her breath washed over me. I smelled guilt, debauchery, and Girl Scouts.
"Did you eat Mommy's cookies? Those have corn in them!"
"No! I ate a mini chocolate cake, corn-free, I found in the freezer."
"No, you didn't. There are no mini chocolate corn-free cakes in the freezer."
"Yes! I did find it! It was a dessert cake...."
"What did you say?"
"I ate the Girl Scout cookies."
"How many?"
"Just three! I swear! I PROMISE that's the truth..."

So I put her in her room, and went downstairs to discover an empty green box. No cookies. Nothing. I had to search a while to discover where the individual cookie-stack wrappers had gone, just to be sure she hadn't eaten those, too.

You see, Maia has a corn allergy. When she eats corn she turns into a creature than can only be described as the most unfortunate offspring between Gollum and Linda Blair. With a crack addiction. The only thing that can be done (besides a healthy dose of the pink stuff) is to wait the reaction out.

She's still in her room. Even after the Benadryl, she is on a corn-high/sugar-high that has to be seen to be believed. It's the safest place, for now. I just wish I had a hidden camera in there! Currently, she's running laps around her room, singing "Somewhere over the Rainbow" at lightning speed.

She's a girl. We females have no control over the little bitches in green. Those evil little was only a matter of time.
Somehow, though, I always imagined she'd do it when she got her first period. You know? A rite of passage. Menarche and a box of thin mints. They go together like...what would be the male equivalent? A Maxim and a sock?

-Your loving spouse.

Only When You're Gone: The Vomitorium

So our friends came to stay last night, and their baby got sick, and vomited all through the
night. Poor baby!

While washing the laundry that is the inevitable result of a sick child, I came across sheets and blankets from when our own child got sick in bed, nearly two weeks ago.
I remember distinctly you saying: "I got it!" when that happened...and thinking how lucky I was that you were home to help me! What a guy to wash the vomit-laundry at 2 am!


I can't decide if you're lucky that I was already elbows-deep in vomit-laundry when I made this discovery, or if we're not speaking. I haven't unwrapped the surprise, yet. If there's mold... you're in the doghouse.

-Your loving spouse.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Only When You're Gone: The Money Hits the Fan

Why are you the primary on all the accounts when I'm the financial maven?

That makes no sense.

Especially when I need to fix something or change something and you're completely unreachable.

Only when you're gone, of course!