Exhaustion Follies

There are long nights when you're away. Not only do I have trouble sleeping because the ice-maker in the freezer is suddenly Norman Bates stumbling on the stairs, but also because the children get diseases more easily when you're away.

It's scientifically proven (somewhere, I'm sure) that children of traveling fathers vomit thrice as often, and only develop seasonal allergies that include "post-nasal drip," which is a gross official term for hacking up a lung all through the night for weeks on end.

Super fun!

But I'm not complaining; I've dealt with worse and I will again. No, I'm writing to tell you about all the stupid things exhaustion makes me do, so you can laugh after a long day on the water:

1) Pulled a bowl out of the cabinet in the morning. Attempted to pour myself a bowl of coffee.

2) Answered the door to the sound of a doorbell on the radio. When the program I was actively listening to was referring to the sound of a doorbell.

3) Put my pants on backward. And went as far as the store.

4) Got back to the store (after turning my pants around), and got to the register before realizing I'd left my purse at home.

5) Went home to get purse. Forgot about stuff waiting at store until the next day.

6) Returned non-library books to the library.

7) Found my cell phone in the dog food. I was the last one to feed the dog.

8) Forgot what I was doing, mid-dishwasher unload. I started adding dirty dishes to the clean ones. I didn't realize I was supposed to be unloading the dishwasher until it was running again.

9) Searched the rabbit hutch for chicken eggs. Did you know we had a Cadbury bunny?

10) Tried to take the kids to preschool with a towel on my head. Was confused when getting into the car was trickier than usual.

Enjoy, Captain!

-The Sea Captain's Wife

Stuff You're Missing: Momedy Gold

The kids say weird stuff all the time. When you're gone, it seems like they come out with the choicest tidbits. I call them Momedy, because they're really only funny to me. And maybe other people that know (and like) my kids.

River (on why he just couldn't eat the mushrooms on his plate at dinner): "No! They have tiny legs. Hundreds and hundreds. I just can't eat the tiny legs, Mom."

Maia: "Mom! Wow! Look at this. They did a great job on the pictures in this book. I like the way they drawed the moon with the cow jumping over it. You really can tell what the story is about."

River: "Maia! Come here! It is story time, and I want stories. Quit messing around and come to bed, Maia!"

Maia (to River): "It's time to play a game. I will trap you in here so you can't escape, and then I'm going to go downstairs."

River: "Fish aren't meat! They swim underwater! They're veggies!"

There are more, I'm sure, but the thing about these funny lines is that they come at inopportune moments to dash to the computer and record them. Pens get pilfered for wall-drawing, and paper gets wet at bath time.

See you when you get back, Captain!

-The Sea Captain's Wife