Thursday, March 3, 2011

Only When You're Gone: With a Little Help From My Friends

Today dawned miserably. I was on edge from the moment I opened my eyes. I had spent all day the previous day switching between loads of foul laundry(including your special surprise, honey), to disinfecting the house in a desperate attempt to avoid a nasty stomach bug, to yelling at Maia for doing crazy things, to...I can't even remember, honestly. I fell into bed that night exhausted to the bone. Half-hoping zombies would attack and eat my brain during the night. It was dire.
This guy. 

So when I woke up and found my brains (and therefore responsibilities) intact, I was less than optimistic.

I got to our weekly, co-op homeschooling group an hour late, but ready for the recycled material toy building project we'd been looking forward to for a month. Maia and I had been meticulously selecting, washing, and saving recyclables that looked promising. We had three big bags of them. I'd been tripping over them in the mudroom for the better part of a month, and the day had finally arrived!

My poor friend suffered my poorly contained wrath when she politely suggested there were already plenty of materials for the craft. I think I said something like: "If we don't use my recyclables, I will cut a bitch." If you know me... that's not my typical...repertoire...

Anyhow, suffice it to say I was on edge. Really. I was shifty-eyed and weird, this morning.

On top of that- I made the decision to give up my office space, after being outbid by my former family therapist. Ugggh!

And then my friend (who I had unkindly threatened to cut if she didn't take my garbage) offered to watch my kids so I could run some errands. Yes, yes, YES! What?! Yes!

And she did. And I ran errands. I finally mailed off some Christmas presents. (You're welcome, everyone! Happy Marchmas!) I went to Michael's and bought the picture frames I'd been dying for. At 40% off! The sun was shining (in my mind. Outside it was drizzling a little). All was right with the world.

Nothing like a little retail therapy!

After briefly considering escaping with my passport and some cash to Hawaii[EDIT: I know Hawaii is in the US. Japan isn't though, nor is Fiji. Jumping-off point, people!] I returned to collect my children; And found them delightedly well-cared-for. And THEN my friend invited me to stay for dinner. To eat German food!

Let me recap: My friend gets blasted by me, then I accidentally insulted her by mistaking her age, and then she offers to babysit both my children so I can get some peace and sanity. Then she cooks me dinner. And not just any dinner, either. I was raised on German food. It is my version of soul food.

Suffice it to say this woman single-handedly turned my day from dust to diamonds with stunning alacrity.

I am so unbelievably honored to have such a skillful, amazing, gorgeous, and loving friend!

The bar has been set, honey. See you when you get back!

-Your Loving Spouse

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Only When You're Gone: It's a Girl!

I knew this day was coming. I have waited for a while now...

It shall live in the halls of my mind, forever. A story to be told and retold at family events. Hell, this one is being saved for the wedding file. I will always remember March 1, 2011 as:

The day our daughter ate an entire box of Girl Scout Cookies.

I was putting the baby down for a nap, and to do that, I need to lie down with him for a while. I might have dozed off. Maybe.

While that was happening, our daughter was keeping herself entertained by making beds for her stuffed animals all over the front room floor. Then she got bored. I imagine she went looking for something to eat (as she does when she gets bored) and discovered my poorly-hidden stash of Thin Mints in the freezer. She must have helped herself to one of the boxes. I put this together based on the evidence trail left behind.

What tipped me off?

She came upstairs to the bedroom and was acting sort of...odd. 20 minutes before, she'd been happily playing on her own. Now she was acting like this:

I knew something was amiss. Her mouth was ringed in some sort of dark brown substance.

"What have you been eating?" As she said "Nothing" (of course) her breath washed over me. I smelled guilt, debauchery, and Girl Scouts.
"Did you eat Mommy's cookies? Those have corn in them!"
"No! I ate a mini chocolate cake, corn-free, I found in the freezer."
"No, you didn't. There are no mini chocolate corn-free cakes in the freezer."
"Yes! I did find it! It was a dessert cake...."
"What did you say?"
"I ate the Girl Scout cookies."
"How many?"
"Just three! I swear! I PROMISE that's the truth..."

So I put her in her room, and went downstairs to discover an empty green box. No cookies. Nothing. I had to search a while to discover where the individual cookie-stack wrappers had gone, just to be sure she hadn't eaten those, too.

You see, Maia has a corn allergy. When she eats corn she turns into a creature than can only be described as the most unfortunate offspring between Gollum and Linda Blair. With a crack addiction. The only thing that can be done (besides a healthy dose of the pink stuff) is to wait the reaction out.

She's still in her room. Even after the Benadryl, she is on a corn-high/sugar-high that has to be seen to be believed. It's the safest place, for now. I just wish I had a hidden camera in there! Currently, she's running laps around her room, singing "Somewhere over the Rainbow" at lightning speed.

She's a girl. We females have no control over the little bitches in green. Those evil little was only a matter of time.
Somehow, though, I always imagined she'd do it when she got her first period. You know? A rite of passage. Menarche and a box of thin mints. They go together like...what would be the male equivalent? A Maxim and a sock?

-Your loving spouse.

Only When You're Gone: The Vomitorium

So our friends came to stay last night, and their baby got sick, and vomited all through the
night. Poor baby!

While washing the laundry that is the inevitable result of a sick child, I came across sheets and blankets from when our own child got sick in bed, nearly two weeks ago.
I remember distinctly you saying: "I got it!" when that happened...and thinking how lucky I was that you were home to help me! What a guy to wash the vomit-laundry at 2 am!


I can't decide if you're lucky that I was already elbows-deep in vomit-laundry when I made this discovery, or if we're not speaking. I haven't unwrapped the surprise, yet. If there's mold... you're in the doghouse.

-Your loving spouse.